man rules

The other day I called up Joey (yes, I called him up, while he was at work, working...), complaining that I just can't find the right crib bedding for Christian. I know what I want, but it just doesn't exist. (My life is just so rough.) I'm going on and on and finally he stops me, "Why don't you go blog about this. Or call Kim." Not long later, I got a forwarded email from him, containing 'The Man Rules.'

And no, he did not write these. Although he might as well have.

The Man Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered '1'
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

I was dying laughing. THIS IS JOEY! (Except the camping part; he wouldn't mind sleeping on the couch, but does not enjoy camping....) And for the record. I was not offended when he asked me to go somewhere else with my trivial problem. I complain to him all the time about stuff that really doesn't matter. He's heard (as I'm guessing you have too Kim) me complain about my carpet so many times that he automatically tunes me out. I think he finally feels that the time I spend blogging is actually worthwhile (and my phone conversations to Kim)!

3 happy thoughts:

Melissa King said...

This is so hilarious and so Gary too! I love reading your posts, you always make me smile and I can always relate. Oh, and your song is my new favorite too, so that's an added bonus. Cody always dances to it and gets mad when I close it.

Kim said...

SO FUNNY!!! I got the email, and I was cracking up! The rules are so very true! I'm touched he wanted you to call me :) Which, by the way, I do feel your pain on the bedding. That is so Frustrating!!!!

Amparo said...

This was really funny and at the same so true. My husband e-mailed this to me a while back, can't remember why, but he thought it was hilarious. Now he refers to it all the time. I can totally understand your frustration not being able to find the comforter you want. I ended picking out fabric and had a girlfriend who sews put a crib comforter set together for me, bumper, skirt and all.