6.01.2009

Dear Landen,

Today would have been your 6th birthday.

Wish you were here to celebrate with us.

The girls *helped* me make chocolate cupcakes. Twice. The first homemade batch just didn't work out. So we then had to make a quick run to the store for a trusty boxed mix. While out we stopped and picked out 6 balloons for you. Christian was fascinated by them. The girls fought over them.

The day was not as sweet has I had hoped for. And not because of you, because I've since decided to make this a happy day for us. But no, it was just frustrating. The girls kept fighting and just would not listen. I later found out that they both got up at 6:30 this morning. Not a good day to miss Reganne's nap. I just wanted this perfect day, where the house is clean and picked up, the kids are good. We have a fun time making cupcakes and decorating them in fun ways. Later after dinner we sing Happy Birthday and blow out candles (which we still did). Everyone gets a little present (which we didn't do) and we just enjoy this day to the fullest.

But then, after Christian's bath, he was covered in chocolate by his first ever cupcake, I sat him on my lap and read him a story. Something I haven't done much. And then it came to me. This is how I need to celebrate you. This is what I need to do. Not just on your birthday, but everyday. I am blessed to be your mom. But you are where you need to be at this time. I am where I need to be at this time. And I have been given these three other precious children of God that I am responsible for. That I need to care for and love with all my heart. And I do.

So instead of letting the girls just fall asleep while *reading* their own stories. I read them stories. I let them pick out any story they wanted, which of course Marryn picked out the biggest and longest one, and I read them stories. And I enjoyed it. Oh, how I wish things could have been different. I wish that you could have stayed here with us, but I know this is how it needs to be. That there is a greater purpose and plan for us both. I may not always understand it fully, but I have faith.

And one day, one day hopefully not too soon, we will be together again.

But until then, I need to remember, remember my role here and now.

I love you and miss you as always.

Love,
Your Mom

12 happy thoughts:

Our Family Happenings said...

My eyes are wet, and tears are falling. This seems to hit so much closer to home, since my sister-in-law lost her little baby girl, right before she was born. I can't even tell you how much I look up to you. You are SO strong. I can't even imagine how hard this is, but I am so happy that you have decided to make it a happy thing. Yes, you both are where you are suppose to be. Won't it be such a SWEET reunion when you get to hold your precious Landen again one day. I know that you will and that you are such a special person.

Jennifer said...

:( I can't imagine your heart break..The loss of a child. I'm sure a day doesn't go by that you don't think of your lost little one. There must not have been enough Angels in heaven and God needed him back..
Luckily it isn't forever..Until we meet again...

Laura said...

Hugs sweetie - there is so much wisdom in your words, molded around your broken heart.

Koenig Family Blog said...

You made me cry- you are such a great Mom Kelsey ;)

JanisKPC said...

Kelsey, You are wise beyond your years...All four of your children are blessed to have you as their dear mother...Joey is blessed to have you as his wife...I also thank your Mom for raising such a beautiful woman that you have become - both inside and out.
Hugs, Aunt Janis

Rachael said...

So beautiful. What an angel of a Mother you are. So beautiful. Thanks for sharing :)

Laine said...

sometimes I need a good cry, and I guess today was one of those times. oh how i love you Kelsey, and your baby landen too. What a beautiful post and a beautiful reminder to love and feel happy now, despite loss or hardship. you are a woman of faith and I am thankful I've been blessed to be a small observer of your journey and struggles. I have learned valuable lessons from you and you strengthen me.

Amparo said...

You are the best mom ever and such a great role model for me. I wish I had spent more time to get to know you when you lived in Fort Collins. I guess reading your blog will have to do.

Kim said...

That was so sad! I wish I had something really great to say right now. But I'm going to stick with that was so sad.

G'Ma Jean said...

Beautiful and precious..........thanks Kels. XO Jean

The Simon Fam said...

Thanks for helping me put my own life in perspective. You are an amazing woman. So glad I know you. Keep the faith.

Melissa King said...

You are so amazing and have so much faith. I am sorry you have had to go through that heartbreak.
You are an incredible mom and I am sure Landen can't wait to hug you.